I walked into Sorelle first thing when I left this morning. I was running late. Slept through the alarm. Bella was gone.

I ask for Dulce Astolfi. She appears from behind a door, seemed like she was in a stock room of sorts. We hugged. I told her how much you loved them, the entire staff.

I remember the one day, probably my only day that I went there for a haircut. Your favorite hairdresser, Lena, asks me as I sit in her chair: “How is Janine Marie?”
“You call her Janine Marie?” I ask quizzically. “It’s just ‘Janine.’ No ‘Marie’ at the end, that’s our last name.” I giggle.
Laughter ensues.
“Oh my God. We’ve been calling her ‘Janine Marie’ forever. She never corrected us.” Lena laughs.
Ever since that day, they would call you “Just Janine.” Ha. “Yeah hi, this is Just Janine calling. Need to make an appointment with Lena and a hair color..” You’d announce your name and wish.

Dulce Astolfi points Lena out. She was all shook up. I could feel her tension. I felt awful for her. She was trying to compose herself when she could have just let it out. Maybe one day she would.
I wanted to buy Bella a gift certificate for valentine’s day. She could get her hair treatment that she asked for. Dulce didn’t want to charge me. I argued back that I would not accept it. That it was kind of her, but unnecessary. That she’s done enough by the entire staff making a donation in your name. She insisted on at least a discount. She didn’t understand who she was dealing with. She wasn’t going to win the battle. You get paid your rate with me. I respect you for it. You earned it.

I ran your car through the carwash. I kept searching for your membership card. Urgggg… Buried somewhere in-between your junk. When it comes to your car, you were a semi-slob. Unlike the way you treated our house. You kept it spotless.

I find the card and hand it to the attendant. I figured out a system while running through the carwash tunnel. I figured out a way to remember everything I have to tell you. My mind races a million miles a second. Thoughts and ideas are flowing through my head but I can’t remember them all. I can’t jot them down while driving. Before the wash cycle ended, I decided on writing your letters in Google Docs. Throughout the day, I have your Day document open on my phone. While driving, I can dictate to the app with my voice all my thoughts, and memories. I’m figuring out how I can be more efficient, smarter. Never to forget the small details. That’s what we had you and I, we paid attention to the small details. The sum of the small details became us, who we were as a couple. You knew me, I knew you. The big details are always easy to spot. It’s the small details that matter. Because you dig deeper. You go all the way in.

I stopped at the Bank to make a deposit. I had told your customer service girlfriend about your passing. She was so welcoming as always, asked how the kids and I were coping. “We’re doing well. Thank you for asking.” I smile.

I get on the turnpike heading to Jersey for a discovery session meeting. I could say I was flying in your car. My British accented Waze alert sounds announces: “Police reported ahead.” I slow down to 70 from 90-something.
I see in the rearview mirror a car speeding about to pass me. I tap on the brake a few times to warn the driver to slow down. The driver had no idea there was a cop ahead, but he/she caught on. Slowed down and pulled up behind me. I saved his ass.

Car had NY license plates. I see them everywhere around here. Up Kelly Drive. Downtown. They’re everywhere. I pushed you to advertise and market to New Yorkers coming down to the Philly area. They need houses don’t they? I told you I’d pay for a billboard for you on the Jersey turnpike. Rich and I were coming up with funny creative. You thought yours was the funniest. “Better Call Janine” after one of your favorite shows “Better Call Saul.” You adored his spirit, the underdog spirit. You loved underdogs. You rooted for them. Your creative sucks. We had you covered. Urgggg… You and Sam Nemeth Massey had big plans working together.

I drive into Jersey and some dude parked on the side of the road peeing. Ha. It reminded me of the time you and I were heading to the Eagles game. Ginger Kochmer had given me 2 of her company’s tickets. We left at 10 that morning. We wanted to catch the tailgate parties.
Yeah, nah. We didn’t get there until 1:15pm. 95N. was packed bumper to bumper from the Blue Route all the way to the city. Cops had closed the Broad Street exit that day. It caused the insane back-up. You and I needed to pee. I pull over the highway along with 4 other cars. Everyone was having the same thought.

I get back into the car, you’re now in the back seat with a cup in hand and a smile on your face. “Drive” you order me. “Okey Dokey.” I smile.
Cup is now positioned below. I’m not moving. Traffic just not going anywhere. It’s safe to aim without having to worry about making a mess. You didn’t make a mess. I was impressed.
“What do I do now?” you ask.
“What kind of stupid fucking question is that?” I smile. “You didn’t plan it. Did you?”
“I figured you’d figure it out.” with that cute grin you had. You only showed it with me. I never saw you do it with anyone but me. It was mine, my own special grin.
“Okay, I’ll pull over. You open the door and pour it out.” I break down the plan. It’s not that fucking complicated. This isn’t the A Team escape plan. Pee in cup, dump out.
We did.

I get to the meeting with time to spare. 24 minutes to be exact. You and I cared about being punctual. It showed respect and courtesy to others. The little details we agreed on. We just made fun of you if you were late. You know exactly who I’m talking about Abbey Perry Madden 🙂

Abbey Perry Madden, my dear Abbey. You saved my life, our kids’ life with your words of wisdom last Friday. You said to me while Daryl listened on: “Honey, don’t worry about supporting everyone else. Start by supporting your kids and yourself first.”
It hit me as if I was struck by lightning. My god, I was so blinded with my care for others I forgot my own kids. That was all I needed to know. I knew what I had to do. I knew how to fix this. I needed to be “free” in front of them, show them the “real” me, not the “father” me. The “father” me is not cool, more of a disciplinarian, building structure, character, morals, respect, honor, love, tolerate, don’t talk but listen, self evaluate, be fair, treat people the way you want to be treated.
Friday I showed them both the “real” me, mostly with Gabe.
I’m in the middle of working on Bella, but I have to say, she’s been awesome. Her smile is still beautiful. I hardly see her feeling down. I know she has her moments while she’s onto herself. I’m working on keeping her as distracted as possible to inject the pain in small doses vs big ones.

There was an accident on 295 S., I got off the road. I know another way. I drive past a road that we were going to film a commercial for Hasboro there. They wanted something different for one of their new products. I gave them different. I always do.. They loved it. Until it got watered down by many and it became “the same.” We didn’t end up doing it.

You loved different. I was different. You loved that I was different. Different in the way I think. Being from a different culture. Having a different mentality than the normal, different in everything. You embraced my different impulses. You hated “Normal” or “Predictable”, you loved that I was neither of these things. Nor were you. You were different, with a dash of normal. You had your moments. They annoyed me, but I accepted them. They were you, plain and simple. I too must have annoyed the shit out of you, but the small things you didn’t sweat. You loved my faults and I loved yours, they annoyed you as they annoyed me, but you loved them somehow, and I did too.

Chris Ottinger and I went to the Flyers game. They were up the entire game. Typical Flyers, they give up a goal last minute or so. Tie game. Overtime. Shootout. Loss. I can’t remember the last time they won a shootout that I witnessed. They just had one the other night, but I missed the game.
You loved your Fly Boys. You loved our seats. You bitched about the glass partition, and peeked your big head over it to see the ice clearly. Other than that, all good.

Trish Silvestri and Jennifer Pflugfelder took Bella GoKart racing. Laura Silvestri Pflugfelder called me from our house. They were all having fun. They ended up watching the game at our house.

I walk by the last stain you made by your side of the bed when they took you away forever. I can’t get myself to clean it. It’s the same feeling I had with the scratches on my car. There is a piece of you still here in our room, with me. I don’t mind it. I realize I have to eventually clean it, but just not yet. I’m not ready yet.

I have the fireplace on in our room, I’m a little cold while I write you. Music playing. My eyes are tired. I’m exhausted baby. I need some sleep.

Good night my sweet.

I love you,

Me