Just fucking go for it. What do you have to lose? Why are we so fearful of the unknown? Some of the time the unknown is quite magical. But you wouldn’t know unless you try it. What’s the worst that could happen, what you’re doing now?
Wish for the best, plan for the worst. Simple.
You were always the safe one. The cautious one. The unsure. “Don’t take the plunge too soon.” or “I Don’t trust him” , and the worst thing you used to say: “Are you sure?” It drove me fucking nuts. Every single fucking time we debate something, or you ask me a question that you knew I had the answer to, you’d throw it in my face. You just could not settle for the first time answer.
Exhibit (A)
“How do I look in this dress?”
“Fucking amazing babe. Sexy.”
“Are you sure?”
“Babe, you look stunning.”
“I don’t look fat in it?”
“No babe, you don’t look fat in it. You look amazing. It brings out your hourglass shape.”
“Are you sure?”
“Actually, I don’t believe I am sure anymore. On second thought. You look like a fucking whale. Better?”
Exhibit (B)
“Your car oil needs to be changed.” I tell you on one of our drives.
“That’s impossible. Are you sure?” Typical of you.
“The oil light is on. Yeah I’m fucking sure.” I explain.
“But oil only needs to be changed every fifteen thousand miles on this car. That’s what they told us.” You’re so fucking confident.
“I know dumbass. You just passed the fifteen thousand mark long time ago. You’re at seventeen thousand.”
“Are you sure?”
“Mother fucker.”
Yesterday was your 30th day. I wasn’t looking forward to it. As if it was a milestone. Followed by your birthday, your 1 year anniversary, 10 year anniversary…
I was a complete mess. I needed some solace. I needed peace. Comfort. A friend. I needed to talk. I needed to release. I need to be stimulated with intelligent conversation.
What if?
My mind was too fragile for me to attempt to write to you. I was actually enjoying a distraction in engaging in a conversation with substance. What if? You start to explore the logic in coming to some sort of a conclusion. What if?
Take the fucking plunge. You’re already stale, nothing is changing. It’s safe. It’s fucking boring. I hate safe.
I don’t even remember today. I think I went into the studio. I think I worked. I came home down North 5th street. I hate that way back home. Mama had food ready. I ate. Picked up Bella from the park. Gabriel had dropped her off earlier. Her friend and Bella were practicing batting and fielding. Just the two of them. How fucking awesome is that? She’s trying out for the school’s softball team. She ordered me that we need to get her gear. She had a list.
“Okay baby. We’ll get you what you need.” Thrilled that she’s playing a different sport other than soccer. I offered a third, lacrosse.
FUCK. FML. It just hit me. I have to attend every fucking game now. God damn it. Urggggg.
Okay, two hours could be spent on worse things other than a softball game.
Fuck that. Just poke my eyes right now. LMFAO. I’m losing it. Ha.
I’m just kidding.
No I’m not.
S.O.S
I need a cig.
I was texting with Adrienne. She’s fucking awesome. I love her. Real as they can get. I get her. You got her. Crazy people attract. But crazy is fun. And fun means a lot of laughing.
Yesterday, Gabriel told me some big news that I’m so proud of him for. He’s going to take a break from school for a year. He’s going to work with me. I’m going to teach him in a year what will take him 8 years in college. When his mind is settled and mature enough, he’ll go back and finish his school. Fuck it, I told him to go around the world for a year if he wishes to do so. Hitchhike your way around the world. Or join that program that you can work while traveling the world remotely. For twenty four thousand dollars for the year, that’s not a bad deal. All paid for, travel, accommodations, shared workspace, all paid for. That’s two thousand dollars a month. That’s cheaper than a nice rented apartment in the city. And you get to work out of Barcelona, Paris, Amsterdam, Vienna, Cairo, Dubai, Mumbai, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Sydney. Going from one city of your choice to the next. Fuck yeah. If I was 19 and no attachments, where do I sign?
He’ll go back to school when he’s ready.
But this is going to be sweet. I can’t wait for him to find out what he loves. I hope to be there to see it happen. There is nothing better in the world than to wake up every morning knowing you’re going to do what you love to do, and you get paid to do it.
I’m going to just go to sleep babe. Big snow storm coming. Per Jenn, 8 to 12” where she’s at in Malvern. Ha. I love her too. She’s as crazy as we are. I can’t wait for both Jenn and A to meet. That will be the fucking night and you would be in your glory.
Good night my sweet.
I love you,
Me