The day we put your body to rest. But your soul will live on forever. I will be sure to let people know who you were. I will make you a legend when I’m done. You’ll be spoken about the likes of queens. I will put your legacy in history books. You’ll be known for generations to come as the most amazing woman alive.

I woke up this morning ready for the day. My mind was already at peace. I knew what I had to do for all who were attending. I had to show them our strong spirited way of living. We took life head on and laughed in its face. We always found a way to laugh at our worst moments. There was always a sliver lining. So why sweat it? Instead, make fun of life, live with a careless sprit. We somehow always knew things would be fine. If you already know the outcome, why sweat it?

I explain to people my rational. I tell them “If we all end up at the same place, why not get there faster? Some it may take them longer than others, but we all end up at the same place, acceptance. Why delay the inevitable? Why be mad for a week or two at your spouse or your partner when you know that at the end of it all, if you truly love your partner, that you’ll end up making up? You made your point, move on. Get to the end faster. Laugh about it. End. Over. Move on. Next challenge.

That’s how you and I lived. Always moving on. Taking one day, one battle, one disagreement or fight at a time. Same process. Same end. Move on. Laugh about it. It’s easier. It’s much more peaceful. It’s less stressful. Channel your stress towards things that you cannot control. Try to solve those instead. If you already know the outcome, you’re in control, end it. Easy.

Of course, it takes two brains to agree. It’s not one sided. So you and I were eye-to-eye. We established the rules early on. We set expectations, and we met them. But it all starts with communication. Open, honest, transparent, and fearless communication. You and I had many days where we were going to split, but somehow we worked it out. We talked openly. I told you my beef, and you told me yours. I’d inch a little towards you and you too inch closer to me until we met in the middle. Sometimes I give in because the outcome is really not worth the fight, so I let you win. I know you too let me win. We got it. Back and forth. It’s not a one sided thing. That would’ve been just being selfish.

Bella and I cut Gabe Marie’s hair this morning. They both came into the bathroom. We were taking care of each other. We were all getting ready for your send off.

Mama, Alia and JerryAlia RosemanBanna were first to arrive and then your brother arrived. I was waiting for Ma to arrive, but apparently we were picking her up. Thanks for the heads-up, had no idea. “Okay, don’t panic. You’re going to be late by 15 minutes if you get going now. I’m already running late. I still need at least 30 minutes to get ready. How am I going to shave 15 minutes?”
I yelled down to Greg to get everyone in the limo and head over now to pick up their mother. For Gabe and Bella to stay here, we’ll take the 2nd limo and meet you at the church.

Checkmate. Just bought myself 30 minutes. Plenty of time. Got to the church with plenty of time to spare.

Christopher Cardarelli, Dale Polter Cardarelli, Olivia Cardarelli, and Jacob Cardarelli were already there. I honestly can’t remember who else was there. It was all a blur. I can’t focus that far back.

Flowers were wrong. I wanted all roses. Nothing else. Just white fucking roses. Nothing else. I was furious. I’ll deal with it later. Let them do their job stress free so everything would go in order.

I wish I would list every single person that attended your Visitation. The church seemed full. I greeted almost everyone by hand. I wanted to be there for them as they were for us.

I didn’t prepare anything for your remembrance. I didn’t have the time. I was writing to you. I knew I had to wing it. I knew I’d come up with something. It was easy talking about you. I always talked about you when you were alive. When I talked to friends about you. How is this any different? It came natural to me. I was so proud to have you as a wife. You did get on my nerves more so than often. But I think regardless of how annoying some things were, I tolerated them, and you in return tolerated mine. We both knew we were not perfect. We accepted our faults. We embraced them. We fixed them. We self evaluated. How do we get better? How do I get better? Don’t be self-centered. Allow yourself to be criticized. Heck, you criticize everyone else around you. You don’t think people are not criticizing you? Talking about you behind your back? You do it to them, why should you expect anything different from others? You’re so fucking perfect, that’s why. Guess what, you’re not. So don’t take your fucking life so seriously. You’re just as a douche as the rest of us. Get fucking used to it or be better. Don’t give people a reason to talk behind your back. Do good by people even if they wrong you. Let go. Let Karma take care of it. Having vengeance will not make you heal. It’s wasted energy. Energy that could be put to good use. You spend energy on getting even with someone to prove a point is wasted energy. Simply stupid.

Church went well. We were a little behind schedule. Had I Jennifer Todd on it, we would have been on schedule. She’s fucking awesome.

Christopher Cardarelli and Dale Polter Cardarelli had to swap out their readings. We were laughing about who was assigned which reading. Her being Jewish, the reading we assigned her kind of did not jive with her belief. “Of course, no problem.” I told them. We just laughed thinking that was your joke on them. That you and I would have laughed at the awkwardness we were putting Dale through.

Laura Silvestri Pflugfelder went up and read for you. She cracked a little at the mention of your name, but she got the strength to continue. She made it.

It was time for your remembrance. I asked that I would like to open up for Abbey Perry Madden. That I wanted to say something first and let Abbey finish. And did she ever finish. I wasn’t surprised. She offered to share it with me the night before, but I said no. I wanted to hear it first hand as with everyone else. I wanted to experience it along with everyone there.

In between rituals, I was thinking about what to say. Trying to organize my thoughts. I knew I wanted to open up with “Day 7: The day we lay your body to rest.” But that was all I had. I started to formulate an outline in my head. I was tasked with sharing my memories with you. 27 years worth. That was the idea that hit me. I can’t summarize them in less than 5 minutes. Plus I needed to give Abbey her time to read hers.

I pulled up my calculator and I calculate:
27 x 365 = 9,855 days. I create a new Notes on my phone and type it down.
9,855 x 24 = 236,520 hours. I jot it down.
236,520 x 60 = 14,191,200 minutes. I jot it down.
I had some data to use in my speech to you.
Now I need to tie it into a theme. Our time together.

I’ve been telling people for the past week that I was the luckiest man alive because I had the privilege of being the only audience member who watched every minute of your show, your movie. That they all were privileged to have taken a peek here and there into your movie. But I was there every minute. That was the only difference between them and myself.

Your movie.

That was your theme. That was going to be my base. I can do this.
I watched your Comedies, your Romance, your Thrillers, your Action, but never your Horror. That will come. That’d be a good joke to throw in there. You always told me that you’d haunt me after you die. We laughed about the ways you were going to haunt me. It was hysterical all the creative ways you shared with me. I helped you with a few. I told you I’d be ready. To bring your best shot. That I’d welcome your hauntings.

I tried to keep it brief. I handed it over to Abbey. I am waiting on her to send it to me so I can share it with you. Here is her speech:

Start —————

A wise man once said that” Death ends a life, not a relationship. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”
That quote has brought me peace this last week, as it reaffirmed that Janine will always be with me. I believe she is standing behind me right now, with her hand on my shoulder, holding me up, as she knows that I am about to do one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will continue to talk to her on a daily basis, and she will just be quieter. I will still laugh with her, she will just smile more, and I will still love her and she will just glow more. I did not say good bye to her , I told her ” I would see her later ” as she will be forever be a part of my life and our family . As you look around this church today, it’s amazing to see how many lives she touched by the amount of people that are here to celebrate her. A part of her is in the hearts of all of us, and her presence here today is unmistakable.
When I thought about what I should say today, the only thing that mattered is what Janine would have wanted. She would want us to mourn because that is the healthy thing to do, she would want us to talk about how fabulous she was which is a given, but most of all she would want us to laugh. Janine knew how to work a room better than anyone I have ever known, she knew how to put a smile on everyone’s face, and leave a lasting impression wherever she went. I believe that she would want us to share stories of her antics today as that would help the healing begin. Today is a celebration of my best friends life, and I will honor her memory the best way that I know how.
On her 50th birthday, I wrote her a letter that celebrated her fabulousness , so I thought that some of what I wrote is what I would share with all of you today.
We all know that one of Janine’s favorite sayings was ” it’s all about me”. Well today my dear girlfriend, this gathering is all about you.
When Daryl and I talked about paying tribute to her on her birthday, we realized that we could talk about how wonderful she was, how precious and valued her friendship was to us etc., but there were too many things to laugh with her about, that made Janine Fresta Marie, exactly who she was. We went easy on her tribute though , because we knew that in any given moment, that mafia behavior could surface and she would tell me that she would ” pluck my eyes out with a mellon baller”, or even worse, she might “scalp me like an Indian”. It was then that I realized that the girl could take me down, so we needed to go easy.
Janine couldn’t see squat , but never wore her glasses. She was one of those people that always whipped out her phone in a restaurant to shine the high beam flashlight on the menu.. She always thought the glasses would make her look and feel older, not realizing she was a classic beauty with great taste and elegant style, and with enough energy to put us all to shame.
Nine years ago, I started keeping a list on my phone of what I called “janeenisms”. These are things that Janine would say that would make us laugh so hard that we would cry. For the life of me, I could never understand some of her word associations, but I would just keep laughing and writing them down for future reference. For example… she would associate a woman’s body part with a cannoli… I used to love them… but I can’t eat them now. Our favorite dish at one of our restaurants we used to frequent were sweet and sweaty wings , otherwise known to Janine as sweaty balls…. yup, she ruined that dish for us too. She called mojitas “mahi mahis” , the hari krishna people were knows as the “Kary Hashnas”, the singer Boz Scags was knows to her as “Booz Scaggs”, she never could say the word Voila right… it was always “viola”, and my favorite is when we were shopping for dinner once, she told me she needed “Purey” looking at me like I was the crazy one cause I didn’t know what she was talking about. Well , we searched the supermarket isles until she found the tomato “puree” forever now known as purey, and we walked out of the market that day with mascara streaming down our faces.
Janine gave me a sign the other day, when I was feeling so very sad. I walked into an office that I had been in numerous times before , and on the wall was a quote that I had never noticed. It said “be who you are ,and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.” That was how Janine lived her life.
I could go on and on about Janine antics that made us laugh, and all the crazy things that made up the package of booyah screaming, gucci wearing, real estate selling, bloomingdales shopping, cussing like a sailor, disco dancing, stevie wonder loving Janine Marie, but there were just as many wonderful attributes as there were crazy ones.
She was a huge presence in all our lives. Everything she did, she did big. She loved hard, danced hard, laughed hard, worked hard, and cared hard. You needed something done, you would go to Janine. You needed a friend , you would go to Janine. You needed to feel better, you had to see Janine. You needed honesty, you definitely went to Janine. Even on her last day, she did it big. Three people received the gift of life again because of her organs , and countless others received a better quality of life because of her donation. Vinnie and I smiled that day thinking about the recipients waking up post surgery who would now be snarkier than normal, cuss more than normal, dance way better than before, and have a new found appreciation for Luis Vitton and Tori Birch. What a tremendous gift she gave, and what a blessing she was.
Janine was a dedicated and loving daughter and sister, and a fierce protector of her family. She was a mama lion with her primary purpose in life to love Vinnie, Gabriel and Bella unconditionally, to care for them completely and to support them in every way possible. She was a go getter, a style maven ( even though stock in Marshalls plummeted when she started the real estate gig) , a fiercely committed and loving friend to so many people, and a sista from another mista for me , Carla, Gina , Dale and Christopher.
They say that friends are the family that you choose. Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; and the ones who accept you for who you are. Family are the ones that would do anything to see you smile, and the ones who love you no matter what. Our Janine made so many of us feel like family.
J, The love here today is huge and palpable, and the outpouring has been immense. We promise that we will all pick up where you left off. We won’t be as much fun as you, we won’t be as loud as you, we can’t do it as well as you, but we will try, as the Maries are our family, The Maries are our tribe.

Like Stevie says:
“As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving,
And the rosebuds know how to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows loves the cure
you can rest your mind assure
That we’ll be loving you always.”

End ——————

We arrived at the cemetery. DD brought me a flask gift with Bulleit Bourbon. I passed it around, a shot in your name.

They did their thing. We didn’t care much about religion. No disrespect at all, but religion was never a thing between you and I. Since the day I met you. We raised our babies unattached to a religion. You were Catholic, I a Muslim. But we both realized that religion was a divide, a reason to to hate. My religion is right and yours is wrong. How could we coexist as humans first? We shove our own agenda down each other’s throats with disregard. Just believe in a God, be a good person. Do good by people. Hopefully that’s enough to get you into the heavens. Everything else is irrelevant.

I told many today, the reason I am not sad was the fact that you and I had hit our pinnacle the Thursday before you left me. We had an amazing night as a married couple. Falling backwards would have been devastating. You and I went up on top. Our life together ended as high as we could have reached. You left me on your terms. You were quick and swift. Painless. Perfect ending to a perfect marriage.

I am at peace. I no longer mourn you. I am happy it ended this way. You were Perfect.

(Cont.)
We arrived at the luncheon, 163 of us.

I had asked Trish Silvestri to bring her DJ gear. I wanted to have an open mic for all to come up and share a brief story with the rest of the room. Bad mistake. I had no idea what was about to come.

Adrienne Kuesel-Welber mustered the courage to get up and say something. She was funny, nervous, and sincere. You tend to bring the “sincerity” out of people because they knew you were sincere with them. They gave you back what you gave them.

And then… Lizzie Fazio-Keels took the stage. Enough said. Had to book the room for another 4 hours. I learned my lesson. No open mic for Lizzie Fazio-Keels. At one point we lost Billy, per Irene Sebazco DeCaro Schulke who was seated next to him. It was a comedy act. I have to give it to Lizzie Fazio-Keels, she brought laughter to the room. I played the straight guy as I did with you. You and I were Abbott and Costello. You were the clown, and I was the straight guy. All I needed to do is set you up for you to deliver a joke. You never let me down. You always delivered.

Irene Sebazco DeCaro Schulke had notes that she wanted to read. She said “I only have 2 pages.” compared to Lizzie’s 20. I had to read Irene’s because she couldn’t read her notes. You know how hard is it for me to read hand writings. But I plowed through them. I tried to bring the emotions out while reading and giving her beautiful notes some justice. To tell a story.

I had to step out. I had to take a break, a breather, a moment to myself with you. Just you.

I came back to find Gabe Marie and his hockey brothers up on the stage. Johnathan was telling a story, RJ told his shower story, the room erupted with laughter. Matt followed suit. Then came Laura Silvestri Pflugfelder, Paulla Panella Pisch, and Melissa Scorzafava Hensel. They shared their stories with us.

Gabby shared his story with the rest. The Mondock Park story when they got caught with beer and they ran away from the cops. That was a night to remember. We laughed so hard that night about our stupid boys. Evan Madden, Brett, Gabe Marie who got caught while the rest of their friends bolted leaving them behind. Dumbasses. But it was funny as fuck.

So many people wanted to come up and say something but they didn’t have the chance to do so. Please make sure to thank Lizzie Fazio-Keels next time you see her. “Open mic” became “Lizzie’s mic”. Live and learn. They’ll have their chance at your party we’re going to be throwing you in time. I’m going to assemble a committee to plan your party.

Bella wanted to say something, but she forgot her notes home. I told her to just let it flow. That she didn’t need a prepared note to talk about you. She couldn’t.

She was surrounded by her girlfriends. She was supposed to go to her soccer game, but last minute she changed her mind and wanted to go to the dance instead. Fuck, I have 14 minutes before they close ticket sales. Scrambling to purchase her tickets, enter credit card info, tic toc, countdown up on the screen. The fucking portal could not enter my contact info correctly. It kept bouncing back that I needed to fill a field. I am you dumb fuck. I’m entering my info. “Enter Home Phone Number”, I did. “Enter Cell Phone Number”, I did. But the field stayed empty every time I hit “Submit”. A prompt saying “Must Enter Cell Phone Number.” I did 10 times you dumb fuck. Why aren’t you accepting my entry? Urggg… tic toc. People are leaving, I have to say goodbye and thank them for all their support. To make sure they left “happy” as I had promised them they would. But Bella comes first. Her fucking dance. She’s not going to miss it. So juggling between figuring out the ticket purchase and being cordial was challenging. But it eventually worked. Purchased. Done.

I said my goodbyes to almost all. Some I missed, but I’ll be sure to thank them in-person.

Bella had her friends drive back with us in the limo. They were having fun. They came to our house, running around like maniacs. I loved it. They were in our bedroom and bathroom singing and dancing while getting ready for the dance. More girls show up. She must’ve had 8 of them.

Lubna Abu-Osba came over. We had a great talk her and I. She checked on Bella and her girlfriends. They turned our bedroom and bathroom upside down. Who cares. They were having fun. I’ll clean their mess tomorrow. Let her have fun.

Lisa Spada-Feldman, Mark and Mike stopped by. We had drinks, smoked a little, had some chocolates. Gabe joined us. We talked creative. Lubna and I were explaining advertising and our process to the Feldman’s.

Chris Ottinger came around. Joined the party. He and Gabe talked. Lisa and Gabe talked. Gabe is growing up in front of my eyes. I think he now has a plan, or at least he knows it’s okay if you don’t have one. But work towards a plan.

I retired to bed. I had to write to you.

I made a connection with someone today. They saw something about me that only you would have seen. It blew me away. Not many people get me. Only you did. I’m too weird for people. I don’t mind it. I embrace it. If they judge me by what I look like or how I dress, then fuck them. I don’t need their negative energy in my life. Judge me for how I am as person, not what I look like or how I dress. Judge me based on what I’m made out of. Otherwise, fuck off. I don’t judge you, don’t you dare fucking judge me. Cause guess what buddy? You’re just as fucked up as I am. You’re not perfect either. So get off your high horse and smell the fucking roses. You’re not that special. I have faults. I seek to find them so that I can correct them. But if you don’t tell me, if you can’t communicate them to me because you’re concerned about my feelings, then you’ll grow to resent the person instead. Fucking stupid logic in my mind. “I don’t want to offend you, but I’ll fucking grow to hate you in return.” Yeah, brilliant logic.
Just fucking say what’s on your mind. If your partner is not mature enough to recognize that they’re not perfect either, then dump their ass. They’re self-centered inconsiderate assholes. They’re worthless. They didn’t get enough love in their childhood so they take it out on their spouses and partners.

Don’t be shallow when choosing your partner. Instead, choose your partner when you first find your best friend. If they make you laugh, if you can open up freely to them without fearing the consequences, because they know you love each other, and you would work it out regardless. You know the outcome, get to it, sooner rather than later in life, in relationships, with issues, with everything.

Good night my sweet.

I love you.

Me