Happy Mother’s Day baby, wherever the hell you are. I know it’s a party there and you’re at the center of it all. Probably suggested it to the higher-ups, and they went with it.

A lot had transpired since I last wrote you. Both good and bad.
Took Bella on vacation to Mexico. We constantly fought about anything and everything.
“Put your music down. I can hear right through your Beats.”
“You can hear the music?”
“Yes, it’s really loud. Turn it down.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“No I’m not. It’s embarrassing. Everyone here can hear your music, dad.”
Reluctantly, I turned my music down.
“I’m uncomfortable.”
“Here, roll this blanket and put it behind your head.”
“Nope, I don’t like this seat.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, it is what it is.”
“Well, it’s uncomfortable. I’m thirsty.”
“They’ll come in a sec and take your drink order.”
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Wait until after we take off.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Could I get you something to drink?” Flight attendant politely asks.
“A Bloody Mary please. Keep’em coming.” I cordially answer.
“Do you have Root Beer?” Bella inquires.
“Just Dr. Pepper.”
“I’ll take that.” Bella answers.
“Say please.”
“Please.”
“You’re thirteen years old and you still can’t say please and thank you?” I ask, more of making a statement.

That was 10:30 am on our way to Mexico with Chris, Dale and Olivia.
The one great thing that Bella and I had was how quickly we got over our fights. It reminded me of the way you and I used to fight. Make your point, right or wrong, counter, yell, disagree, and then it’s over. Moving on. It was constant with Bella and I. Fights always ended with “Come on, let’s hit the pool baby” or “I’m hungry, are you hungry Belly?” It was as if we didn’t just make each other blood boil.

We did cry a lot her and I. At one point, I was balling in the adult pool that security came around to check up on me and to see if I was okay. I must’ve looked like a mess. I fucking cried the entire fucking vacation.
Since we got back, things have been hard. I believe we took a step back, but it feels that it was only way to take two steps forward in return.

I have to say, I’ve learned so much about myself these past 99 days without you here by my side. I learned what kind of man I am. What kind of father, friend, colleague I truly am. At least I have an idea, a glimpse into whom I’ve become.
I have changed. I know I’ve changed. I’m still not sure if I’ve changed for the better or the worse. I know that I’m not using your passing to be an excuse to go down the wrong path. But sometimes you can’t help but have dark thoughts. You quickly stop them, but they are there. Always there waiting, lingering in the shadows. The more you keep yourself occupied with whatever or whomever, you tend to escape these thoughts.
You try and find outlets to keep you busy. You meet old and new friends. You talk. Reflect. Observe. You try and take a break from it all. You step aside. You gather your thoughts. Evaluate. Reevaluate. Adjust. Try again. Repeat.
Life throws hurdles along the way. Big and small ones. You try to deal with them. Shit would sometimes backfire. Oops, wrong move. Adjust. Try another move. Wrong again. Try another. And so on.
The hardest part of it all is not having someone to bounce these ideas by. Someone to tell you that you’re a fucking idiot for even trying it. You’re on your own. Making decisions on your own. No one to answer to except for yourself and the people affected by your decision. In this particular case, our children.
We’re not over you baby. We’re not even close to being over your loss baby. But we are starting to create and embrace our new Normal. This new Normal we’re working on is not perfect yet, but everyone is telling me it will eventually be close to it. With time. Time. Fucking time.
On this Mother’s Day, we’re actually on a high and not a low. But tomorrow could be different. We’re taking it day-by-day. And today is no different. Our first Mother’s Day Without You.

Happy Mother’s Day my sweet.
I love you,
Me