She was okay, she wasn’t great, not up to your standards. I’m going to give her a second chance to prove me wrong.
Mama recommended her. She said she’d do a good job at cleaning our house. It just doesn’t smell clean the way you used to make it smell.

You kept our house in a tiptop shape. You hired services to come once every two weeks, but you kept up with it. You were a freak when it came to being clean. For fuck sake, you used to clean our hotel rooms everywhere we went. You never wanted the cleaning maids to think of us as slobs.

The house was always impeccable. Perfect. You’re clean. I am clean. I love clean. Neat. You and I loved cleanliness, neatness. How the fuck did we get these two idiots? Jeez, she’s like a fucking tornado, he’s kind of oblivious. I told him once “Keep the toilet seat down once you’re done of your business, it shows that you care about your woman.”
The subtle hints that go along way in a relationship. The little things. My lord do they make a difference.
By no means was I the perfect man in a house, but I picked up after myself, except in the kitchen. I’ll bring my dish to the sink, but never will I wash dishes. I’m terrified of washing dishes. They always end up in a disaster once I wash them. A sliced finger, a broken cup. The fucking things keep slipping off my hands with all that fucking soap. Except for now. Now, I do wash the dishes. I didn’t overcome my fears, I just don’t care anymore.

You kept the water running in the sink. Nothing there other than few dishes. But the water keeps running, no purpose. Millions of people would love to have a sip of that fucking water because they have nothing to drink. Just water, wasted down the drain.
I came home tonight, all our bedroom lights, bathroom, the nook room down to our closets, al were on. Bella’s doing it again. I love it. That’s not wasted electricity. But the fucking kitchen lights being turned on overnight because one of the two idiots goes to the kitchen, grabs a snack and leaves the fucking lights on. Mother fucking fuckers. Basement lights are on. TV’s are on. No one is there.
What the fuck is wrong with these fucking two idiots? How hard is it to switch it the fuck off? It’s the same fucking effort it took you to turn it on, you dumb fucks 🙂 But I love you, so I live with it. Just like I loved you baby and I lived with all your fuck ups. I adored them. They kept me alive.
Every fucking shampoo bottle, conditioner, shaving cream, oils and whatever fucking 100 bottles we have in our shower, all fucking open lids. Why? may I ask. It’s a simple fucking equation: AIR DRIES SHIT. Including your fucking Hair Gel, Acetone, Alcohol, Tooth fucking Paste. So close the fucking cap so that the shit doesn’t dry up and I have to go pay for a new one cause the shit dried up because of how fucking dumb you all are. The entire family lost this specific gene where they need to close or turn-off something.
How dumb can someone be? Fuck.
But I love you. So fuck it.

I’m Done.
Mic drops.

This afternoon was tough. Went to pay my respects to the Borisoff family. I kissed Donny’s mother. She was so sweet to even ask about how I was doing. This day was hers, not mine. I hugged the boys, kissed them, then turned and wept on Lisa’s shoulder. We both were weeping. “We have our kids.” she whispered in my ear.
I fell apart.
My insides turned to mush for them, all of them. Any child that loses a parent. I can’t imagine the hurt they must feel. I’m an adult, Lisa is an adult, the hurt is not the same. It’s different. There’s a sense of less security with theirs. A feeling unsafe. What could happen next? What’s going to happen to me? I’m too young to become independent. Who’s going to have me? Where am I going to live? Am I going to get adopted?
Dark thoughts could race through your mind. I know I had them once growing up.
Both my parents went to school in Beirut back in the 80’s when it was at the height of civil war. I was terrified for them. Those were my thoughts back then. Thankfully nothing happened, both survived the mess.
But had something happened, my mind was already there, prepared.
As you grow older and you become independent, losing a parent, while hard the sense of security and safety do not come into play, or at least I don’t believe they do. Warmth is different. That’s what we miss, the warmth.

I walked to the back of the congregation. Sat all the way in the back weeping. Abbey came around and gave me a big hug. She spotted me while standing in line to pay her respect. Daryl and Alec were in the line with her.
Sharky came around and hugged me from the back. Jay, Bonnie.
This isn’t about me. This is about Donny’s family and their loss. I had to leave.

I drove home. The bed was made. I needed to escape. I needed to sleep. I needed to dream that you were still here. I can’t fucking dream. I don’t dream anymore. What the fuck? I used to love to dream.

I set my alarm for 5:30 pm, I can’t miss Charlie’s play.
I went. I watched. I heard. I smiled. I laughed. I actually at one point teared up. Bell was singing a song that hit to my core. Fuck. I hate that feeling. Despair.

 

Bella had went to a hockey game have with her girlfriends. The play ended around 9:15 pm. I waited for Charlie to come from behind the stage. I hugged and kissed him. He was exhausted. They had to performances today because of the power outage last night.
We said our goodbyes. I got home around 10.

Gabriel and I talked for a little. He’s been thinking about taking off from school and working with me for a while. I’m fucking stoked.
He’s been thinking about it since that Friday after we lost you. I suggested he’d take a year off, try working with me for a little while. He’s only 19. They’re not ready for school at that age. They can’t focus on schoolwork. Too many distractions, too much playing, too much being young. Not a good time for school. I’d rather he travels the world with a backpack. He’ll be ready to go back to school when he settles a little. Maybe a girlfriend, or just maturing as a man. You start to prioritize better when you’re older.

I’m still up, but I need to get some rest, baby.

Good night my sweet.

I love you,

Me