had therapy yesterday. your name came up. i was asked if i grieved your loss yet.

start of the session the shrink tells me she was going over my notes from our last session. “8 pages!” she tells me. “why, what’s the average?” i’m thinking around 6 to 7.

“2 pages.” was her answer.

“wait, what?!!!” to my shock. “hmmm…” i took a pause to reflect on this shit show for second. 8 pages? really? i’m that bad? wait, what’s the problem? lmfao

so i have issues. big fucking deal. who doesn’t. okay fine, 4 times as much is an issue for some, maybe for many. maybe i’m taking on too much. too many projects. too many responsibilities. too many promises to keep. too many relationships to maintain.

“writing to her early on helped me grieve.” i continued after a quick pause while reflecting back on the past.

“those who go first are the lucky ones. the hurt is unbearable for those who experience it. add to it the sudden end, which is on it’s own devastating. imagine what happens during wars. the sudden death. the trauma and the impact is unbearable for any human brain to process. your earth shatters beneath you. life ceases to exist. you abandon life and everything you know about it. you disconnect. i disconnected myself from everything that reminded me of Janine. the kids, the family, our friends, watching tv, football, movies, anything and everything that reminded me of our life together.” i continued.

“were you and Janine in the lifestyle?” she inquires. “yeah, no. we were not.” i answered back.

“the closest we got was a plan to have a threesome while in vegas. her idea. we get to vegas and she gets her period. busts out crying that she ruined our trip. i’m like babe don’t worry about it, let’s just enjoy vegas. when we got back a week later, i reminded her of the offer. she was like, yeah, no… that was only gonna happen in vegas. me: you motherfucker.”

session ended shortly thereafter.

earlier this year i asked a favorite artist of mine to paint you. sent him the picture of you and Ay. he kept asking me how i envisioned the painting. i told him i didn’t. i told him to just look into your eyes and he’ll see deep into your soul.

he stopped by one day to drop it off. i met him outside to see him in. he asked me to close my eyes while he gets it ready for show. i stood there waiting for him to give me the green light. i didn’t know what to expect.

my heart stopped for a split second and a smile popped a second later followed by a smirk, a breath, a sigh and a tear.

good night my sweet.

love,

me