I am unafraid. I am no longer afraid baby. I will let it all out. Every thought I shared with you.

You endured my insanity. You adored my insanity. I never think as anyone else would. It pissed the shit out of you, but it always turned into a debate. A healthy debate, nonetheless. We’d argue our points of view. You win some, I win some. We both win.

My head is spinning. I can’t keep my eyes open. But I can’t stop. I couldn’t wait to come home and write you. You’re my outlet. I told you everything every day. Every single fucking day. It was my routine. This is my new routine. I can only start writing you late at night. When all the day’s dust settles. I have maybe two hours to write to you before I crash.

Tonight is different.

I can’t.

I have to finish this tomorrow.

Good night my sweet.

I love you,

Me

 

[Continued…]

 

The day started well. I woke up at 8am. Bella and her girlfriends were still sleeping. I went into the kitchen and started to clean their mess from the night before. They eventually came up. Had breakfast. We talked about boys. Most specifically boys at 13. I was 13 once. I know how those little fuckers think. There is one thing on their mind at that age. Their hormones are raging. And their blood is rushing in one direction and it ain’t north.
Disappointed in the truth, they went back down the basement reflecting.

Issy Mar and I had interviews with Au Pairs today. First one at 11am. Bella doesn’t attend this one. I interview. We walk the house. Talk details. Responsibilities. We come to an agreement.
“One thing I cannot tolerate is crackling of gum or loud chewing. Janine and I had this condition with chewing noise. We’re sensitive to it.” I politely declare.
“Ha, Janine and I used to talk about the same exact thing. Understood.” The Au Pair answers back.
I pay the Au Pair agreed upon fee for the upcoming week. Responsibilities include house cleaning, house sitting, running errands, pretty much everything. She would start cleaning this afternoon. Excellent. One win down.
We interview our 2nd Au Pair. Bella sits with me on this one. The Au Pair seems super sweet. I explain that I am hiring multiple Au Pairs and put them on a schedule. I need a backup to my backup. I always have to have a backup plan.
We’re going to give her a try. Interviewing another Au Pair tomorrow. Running a house is no different than running a corporation or a business. Our house is now my business. It used to be your responsibility. You were the COO of our house. I was voted in to take it on by proxy. Don’t you worry, I got this. I got your back.

I coordinate with the first Au Pair to stay the evening with Bella. I have plans with friends tonight.
Bella wanted to go to her indoor soccer game. I take her. The first time I attend her soccer game in a while. It frustrates the shit out of me watching soccer here in general. The kids have no idea what they’re doing. They don’t understand the game. The coaches don’t understand the game. I dare to say that for every 1000 soccer coach, only 1 watched a soccer game religiously. I bet Bella watches more soccer games on TV than all the coaches in Upper Dublin combined. She understands the game. I taught her the game. That’s where it all starts. Watch the game. The way we used to watch sports when we were young. We used to emulate our heroes. Their stance, their moves, their jukes, their jumps, their slides, their haircuts, fashion, style. Not today. Kids play the game robotically. They kick the ball aimlessly. Randomly. Parents cheer them on. “Nice kick.” a parent would yell. “Yeah? Who was the pass intended for? It’s a fucking turnover. No one is there.” I think to myself shaking my head.
Let me explain to you what your kid just did. Basically, if he/she was a quarterback, they just threw a pass to an empty spot with no receivers in sight. Better yet, most of the time, he/she just threw an interception. Would you then say “Nice throw, Jimmy?”. No dumbass, you’d bury your face because your kid just fucked up. Well, pretty much that’s what your kid just did with soccer. So do me a favor, go watch some decent soccer, understand the game, and then cheer on your kid when the pass the ball correctly. Let them watch it. Force them to watch it. But don’t watch the MLS, it fucking sucks. You need to watch the Spanish, English, and Italian leagues. It’s like watching poetry. Short quick one touch passes. High efficient passes. The team plays as a unit, supporting each other. Life lines all around them. All they need to do is keep their eyes up, have fast feet and move together as a unit on both ends of the field. Individual skills come later. Learn team skills first, understand the game, let the game come to you. It’s not called the “Beautiful Game” for nothing. It’s just became “Ugly” here. We overthink everything. We want to reinvent the game. Complicate it. The kick and chase is the dumbest thing I see. They focus on individual skills. What good are individual skills if they don’t understand the game?
The entire club is a sham. Politically driven. Parents are satisfied with mediocrity. Money being spent on trainers that don’t know how to train. Give me your worst team and 8 weeks of training. Put this team against your best team and let’s have a game.
I told you I wanted to start my own soccer club. Legitimate youth soccer club. I would recruit the best soccer minds to coach. I have a system that worked when I coached Bella when she was younger and I was still a coach until I was dismissed. They came up with the lamest excuse to dismiss me. I was a renegade and they don’t like renegades. I don’t follow in their step. I would never follow someone down a path that I know is wrong, misguided. But they don’t want to listen. It’s coming from the top. And the top has no clue.

Bella played. They lost, again. The girls look the same since they started the team. I don’t see any improvements. Still kicking it randomly. Head looking down. Running aimlessly onto the field. Their passes to each other are turnover prone. They kick too hard, or deliver bouncy passes that are hard to handle. Turnover after turnover after turnover. Bella’s coaches are really sweet awesome guys, but they need help. I would love to help them. I don’t need to be the coach, just a consultant. Pass on my knowledge. They’re smart, they’ll understand what I’d be teaching the girls. They’ll know how to continue coaching the girls once they understand what I’m doing.
Bella screwed up a breakaway. She had a clear pass to her teammate that typically she would have made. This time, she decided to play keep, and she didn’t need to. She had a better outlet. A better decision to make. She saw it, but elected against it. I shook my head at her. Wrong time to play keep baby. I am so frustrated. It’s now the “Ugly Game.”
On the other team, they had a girl who was a stud. She played the game perfectly. You could tell she too understood the game. I loved watching her play. I looked forward to her handling the ball. Unfortunately for her, along with Bella, her teammates are not on the same page. Matter of fact, I don’t believe they have a page.

Bella steps out after the game ended. She looks shook up. Eyes are red. She walks over to me. “What’s the matter baby?” I ask her.
She pushes her head into my shoulder and hugs me. “I miss her watching me on the sideline.” Crying.
“I know baby. I know.” While I hold her head tight to me. I hug her for a minute. We walk towards the exit.
The entire time I was there, I could sense their stares following me as I walk through the tight pathway. I could imagine them talking about us. But we walk tall. Talk all you want. Good or bad, sympathetic or just to gossip, I don’t care. A few came up to me extending their condolences. Expressing how wonderful you were. That they’ll miss you on the sideline.

We drive back home. Bella is hungry. We stop and get her food. We arrive home. Our Au Pair is gone. She had come back earlier to start deep cleaning the house, but never finished. We had agreed she would come back.
I can tell the house is still dirty, I think to myself she’d finish when she comes back.

I rush out the door to meet some of my team members at Tierra Columbiana. Our favorite Latin restaurant. They brought back live music. Last time we went they told us they stopped having live music. We were so disappointed. But it’s back. Mix of Latin Jazz, Funk, just beautiful to listen to.
Lubna, Charlie, David and I sat at the bar waiting for our reserved table to be ready. David ordered your favorite drink “Coconut Mojito”, Lubna and I ordered traditional “Caipirinha”, they’re fucking delicious.
Escorted to our table. We order. We talk. We reflect. We laugh. We cry.

Charlie and I started to talk philosophy. Soon after David and Lubna join in. They were listening to the “Real House Wives of Philly” the next table. They were too loud to ignore. Apparently a lot of anger at a boyfriend was being discussed. The violent pain the one woman wanted to inflect on him.

We were talking about my vision for our shop. Where we’re going to take it. International.
I was telling them how we’re a family in this. We have each other’s back. Lubna as my little sister, David as my little brother, and Charles as my big brother. At one point, Charles stopped me and said “You’re my big brother.”
I didn’t understand at first. “We are using age, aren’t we?” I ask Charles.
“No.” He pauses collecting his thoughts. I love when Charlie pauses in deep thought to formulate what’s about to come. I eagerly await his delivery.
“There are few people in this world that I learn from. Some are older than I, while others are younger than I. I respect these people and what they have to say. I call them my ‘Big Brother’.” He continues. “You my friend, are my Big Brother. Not the other way around.”
I hold his hands from across the table. “I love you Charlie.”
He held my hands against his forehead while his head was down in complete state of serenity. I was shocked, moved, speechless.

David was making fun of Lubna’s sex fetiches. An inside joke of her being into S&M. She’s not, but as always, we make fun of each other and ourselves. We played along with David, we started talking about the different toys. How I imagined Charles strapped up while wearing a mask and a gag ball, standing up spread eagle. “A sight I cannot imagine. I need to get it out of my head.” I laughed.
“What kind of whips do you have in your custom toy shelf?” I jokingly ask Lubna. “Leather?”
“The ones with the claws at the end of their tips so you could bleed.” David chimes in.
“Self-Flagellation was common in the 13th century Roman Catholic religion.” I think Charlie says over the loud restaurant noise.
“They still do it in Iran. It’s an annual practice. The streets are bloody. Thousands of people walk the street self-flagellating.” I share. “Seriously, if you were God, would you really be that shallow or demanding of such practice? Do you really care about all the stupid rituals we came up with? It’s all man made. If you were God, isn’t the most important thing in this world us being good as Humans? Do we need a specific practice to demonstrate our goodness to each other? Isn’t that the bottom line? Why do we need religion? God’s teachings, the principles are simple. They all overlap between all major religions. Common decency. Love each other. Yet we’re all divided. My religion is better than yours. Why? Because you don’t eat shellfish? Because your God tells you to wipe your ass with your left hand vs. the right one? Are you fucking serious? You were left handed. At your Catholic school you told me they used to force you to use your right hand. Your left hand is evil. How the fuck does that make any sense?” I explain.
“This is why people abandon religion and God. The stupid rules we carried through generations. Passed down by our parents and their parents. All were wrong. All were too scared to question their faith, it’s considered a sacrilege. Fear of being scrutinized, shunned, outcasted. Wasn’t that what Moses, Jesus and Mohammad endured? Being scrutinized by their people? They realized something was wrong and it needed to be fixed. Abraham told his father he would not pray to his Gods that were manmade. That there is only one God. He took a stand. He realized his father and the rest were wrong, misguided, ignorant.” I continued.
“At our core, as humans, we should be channeling our connection with God, not through religion. Fuck religion. That’s not what God had intended. He fucked up. We fucked up. We failed him. But I blame him for this divide. It’s okay that he fucked up. But we should have his back and fix this. It’s not too late. We just need to rise as one specie. The specie as Charles put it “The first to recognize its own mortality.” We’re in desperate need for unity as a specie. Put our differences aside, our religions, our cultures, our traditions, our race, our gender, our color, our sexuality, our everything aside and just focus as a specie on the greater good of us and our Earth. We’re driven by materialistic objects. Who has what, who has the most, who has the power, driven by greed, driven by everything “ugly”. We can spend the same effort and energy driven by what’s good and beautiful as we would be driven by bad and ugly. We just chose to go with the ugly side. We get a satisfaction out of coming up on top for all the wrong reasons.
You told me you were learning the teachings of Buddha. That you found Zen in your learning. It helped you relax your mind. To find peace. I haven’t studied any of Buddha’s teachings, but if it brought you peace, then so be it. I respect that. But I believe we all could achieve peace in our own way. It’s not that hard. We should not be driven by money. We should not complicate life. Life is easy. We simply complicate it.

There are so many resources on this earth to feed the entire globe. We could be so innovative to save us and earth, we are so smart as a specie, yet we’re fucking dumber than dirt. As advanced as we could be, we’re still animals. Me, me, me. I want, I want, I want. Never “I need.” There should be no borders, there should be no countries. Our Earth is our country. We’re all in this together. I have an experiment that I would like to conduct soon to prove to the world how fucking stupid we are. Working on it.

I want to start a Foundation in your name and call it “Humanity”. An Earth foundation. It’s sole purpose is to save the world from Ugly. A foundation that’s driven by effort, not money. We can prove to the world that we are all equal in this. Everyone pitches in. No money in return. Who needs money? We created money. We can take it away. We can just do, together. Everyone is living in peace. Everyone knows their role. The governing body would be that of enlightened scientist. Not holy men. No politicians. No greed, no power. Just pure enlightenment. Civilizations thrived when scientific enlightenment ruled them, not Presidents, Kings, Popes, or Imams. We shouldn’t judge a person by anything except what’s inside of them. Everything else doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.
If your death is the reason I’m going down this path to heal the world, then so be it. If this actually takes shape, your death will be the day the world changed. If it’s going to be me who will lead this in your name, then so be it. Bring it on. I found my purpose. I thank you for it. Your death is now for the greater good. So be it.

Bella texted me while at dinner. We were suppose to hit the Salsa club upstairs to the dinning room area. “what time are you coming home?”
I texted her back. She didn’t answer. I called her. No answer. I got nervous.
“Need to go home.” I tell them. “Bella is not answering her phone.”
Charlie leaves home. It was snowing when we left. I ask him to text me when he gets home to make sure he arrived home safe. He did text me later.
David, Lubna and I decide that they would join me back to the house.
I get home, David is already pulling up our driveway.
I walk in. Our Au Pair was doing something around the house. Kids were all over our house. It was a mess. Disrespectful of our house. Food on our kitchen counter. Melted ice cream that Stacy had bought us. She had no idea that was the brand I love, Talenti Gelato – Sea Salt Caramel. Except the one she bought was chocolate-based, still good and creamy.
Our house was treated as a zoo. Not going to happen. Not in our house. You would have flipped out.
I ask the Au Pair for some private time to talk. She dismisses her children to go wait for her at the car.
“Sweetie, I will no longer require your services.” I tell her politely. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“Did I do something wrong?” She’s clearly concerned.
“It just doesn’t feel right. You’ve been wonderful. Thank you for your time today. I truly appreciate it.” I conclude our talk.
She walked out wishing us well.
Who’s next. There will be no next. Complete strangers in our house, roaming our house as they wish. Only Bogart is allowed to roam our house to piss and shit all over it. It’s our fucking house. Show some fucking respect.
Not too long ago, you and I were invited to a friend’s house for a party. There must’ve been over 50 people at the house. I was standing with a gentleman outside smoking a cigarette. He threw the butt on the ground in front of him and stepped on it to kill it. Right on the brick patio. A complete and utter disrespect for your friend’s house.
I called him out on it. “Would you like someone coming to your house and throwing their cigarette butt on your patio? Pick it up. They were kind enough to leave us an ashtray right there.”
Respect. Courtesy. Kindness. Doing the right thing. You show it with the little gestures. We all miss seeing it. But I don’t. I see you. I watch you. I understand you. Doing the right thing by yourself and others doesn’t take a lot of effort. We just choose not to because we are so consumed with ourselves. Our survival. We forget everyone else is basically doing the same thing. Instead of us working together towards the same goal, we do it individually. Same with US youth soccer. Ha. I can’t let this one go. But seriously, it’s the same. We put and direct our efforts into all the wrong things in life. We can still be innovative, we can still create, learn, advance, save lives, become stronger, peaceful, void of money, void of taxes, void of intolerance, void of hate, void of crime, void of pain and suffering. Just harmony. Complete harmony. Responsible and respectful harmony as human to a human. We need to start to see the core of this specie, not what we see outside as people. We should not ask “Where you’re from?” or “What nationality are you?” we’re fucking human first. We build a natural divide. It’s unnecessary. It’s cold. It generates prescriptions, wrong prescriptions, misguided prescriptions leading to all things “Ugly.”
“Just Stop.”

You’re no different than me. It’s what we do that makes us different.

On my drive home from Tierra, I was nervous for Bella. I raced home, but thoughts of you kept taking over. I write to you in my head. I still haven’t figured out how to jott these thought down efficiently. Google doc is okay, but not the answer. I need to dictate my words to you somehow. I try to remember what I’m going to tell you during my drives. I try to store them in my head for later. But they’re complete sentences, paragraphs, pages, chapters racing through my head.

I tell Lubna and David I needed to go write to you. I have so much to tell you. Lubna yells “Go. We’ll lock up and see ourselves out.”

I was tired baby. I was so tired last night. I knew I had to write to you regardless of how tired I was. I just could not keep my eyes open.

You’re my only outlet. You’re the only one I can speak freely to.

I am unafraid.

I am no longer afraid baby. I will tell the world. I hope they’ll listen.