I look back.

My God what a ride it’s been. I don’t even know where to start.

I was exhausted. Writing. My brain was racing with words. I couldn’t jot everything down. I get home and my brain is fried. I felt guilty not writing you. I felt as if I was abandoning you. A not so distant memory. You’re still fresh in my head.

I love you. I loved you. I’m sorry I hurt you. Not a day goes by without the thought of what else I could have done. I tried everything. Everything, but nothing worked. A jolt to our system was the only option I had. Maybe I’m trying to justify my actions, but you came out on top baby. Regardless of how shitty I made you feel, you came out on top. 

I tried to stay focused on work, but I was distant. I couldn’t stand staying home. I hated it. It was destroying me. Breaking me apart, I had to always escape. Stayed at the studio in the city night after night. Set myself up with linens, pillows, down comforter. I made it home. 

Bella refused any sort of support regardless of what I suggested we do. Someone suggested an amazing support center, but she refused to go. The day she was supposed to attend, I had to trick her into going. And when we arrived, she freaked out. Begging me not to go in. She didn’t want to feel sorry for herself. She wasn’t ready to see anyone. 

So I left her alone. She’ll tell me when she’s ready. And she eventually did. Gabriel and I would go have separate therapy sessions. One day I asked her if she cared to join me. And she said yes. So we went. We talked. The next week she went on her own. 

Bella and I fought a lot. A lot. Too many to care to remember. Everything was an issue. Another reason I started to distance myself. I couldn’t think. I wasn’t being rational. I couldn’t execute any of my plans. The house was constantly a mess. No matter how much my mother would come and help with the house, cleaning service, myself, it didn’t matter. Shit followed. Their shit. 

Any direction I gave, it never got done. Just laying down in their beds, expecting others to clean after them. It frustrated the shit out of me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was exhausted. I needed a break.

Good night my sweet.

I love you,

Me