Oh my god, I have so much to tell you today. It was probably the best day since. I think I just broke Gabe. We bonded like no other day… ever. It was amazing. We did things you wouldn’t have approved of. But I didn’t give a shit. You’re not here to tell me what to do. Even though I never listened to you, I just did what was in my mind.

But I broke him. Finally. This is the best day ever. Thank you Abbey & Daryl Madden for tonight’s talk. It opened my eyes. I knew what I had to do. And I took a chance. It worked.

I started to tell him my life story. And I was as open as I could be, I was “me”, true me. The one you see me outside our house. I was me at work, with friends. The real me, not the father me. And I didn’t care. I wanted him to know who I am. I wanted him to experience me regardless of how odd I could be. I was open with him like never before.

I told him about me while 17 arriving here to the U.S. to go to college in Nebraska. Told him up to the point when you and I met the night of Sept. 1st, 1991. The day Randall Cunningham broke his leg the season opener.

We talked for over 2 hours. I knew I had to write you. So, I didn’t tell him how you and I met just yet, but I started tearing up at some point while he and I were talking. We were sitting in the Garage smoking and sipping on Bourbon. He came around and bear hugged me. I fell apart. I started sobbing: “I can remember every day with her.” I cried on his shoulders.

I have so much to tell you but I am spent. So much took place today, but I can’t. I’ll write you tomorrow.
I have to tell you, the entire night I write to you in my dreams. On my drive, the words to the letters flow through my head. I cannot stop them. And I can’t write them down while driving. I remember every detail of today. Matter of fact I remember every detail because I have to write them to you. They mean a lot to me. Because every thing that I encounter reminds me of you. Something that happened with you. It was joy.

Everything I encounter reminds me of you, a story, a laugh.
I had today’s letter all written. I wanted to tell you about work. Coming to find Abbey Perry Madden at our house with Bella. They had their nails done for tomorrow.
Daryl came over soon after I had arrived. We ordered Chinese.
Our weekly get together thing with the Maddens. Just as we did a week ago at El Limon in Ambler. Our favorite spot.

We had a great parent talk. About our kids and how to deal with them. What is a “right” a parent could do?

Something Abbey Perry Madden said struck an idea in my head. I knew immediately what I needed to do for Gabby for him to open up to me. He’s my Boy now. I got him in my arms and never letting go. He’s now my best friend. I got him baby, I promise you, I got him in my arms and never letting go. Thank you Abbey Perry Madden, thank you my love. You don’t realize it, but you just saved me and our son.

Next comes the Queen B. She’s breaking slowly, she’s opening up, on her own pace. She’s been super cool. She has her moments, but she’s tough as nails. I will crack her code, eventually. I crack everyone’s code. I am very patient.

I clearly know now the purpose of your passing. I realize it now, loud and clear. I always told you, out of hardship comes good, a silver lining. Always. It’s up to us and go find it. Even at our worst moments, we found a silver lining. Lost pregnancies lead to Gabe Marie, another ones lead to Bell.

My purpose is to help heal the world around me. I believe I know how to accomplish that. One day at a time. I promise you. I know my purpose on this earth now. And it took your death for me to realize it.

But today was the best day since… (to be continued.)
Tomorrow is another day.
Your 7th day.

Good night my sweet.

I love you,

Me

PS: Sorry baby for any typos, I’m not going to proof read this. I hardly do. I’m too exhausted.

 

Day 6 (Cont.):
I couldn’t write anymore last night. I felt awful that I couldn’t tell you about my day.
I woke up later than usual. I actually slept well that night. But woke up at 6:54am. Rushed to wake Bella up. Apparently she and I forgot to set our alarm clocks. She said “I’ll just get in late.”
“Nope, you’re getting out of bed and going in time. Don’t use this as an excuse, you can’t.”
“Okay dad.” She answers. She made the bus.

I cleaned the house, at least you can call it that. I am really trying to keep it the way you loved it. Spotless. Adrienne Kuesel-Welber yelled at me while cleaning the range top the other night. In your eyes, it was dirty so I cleaned it.
I make the bed now. I hate this fucking bed. I hate making it. I always hated making my since I was young.

I took your car, I think I’m going to start taking your car from now on. I drive 25mph slower, so I’m around 90mph. Same speed I got pulled over for when you and I came home from New Year’s eve stay over in the city. We stayed at Hotel Monaco. I love that hotel, and I couldn’t wait for you to stay there with me. We got the King Suite, you loved it.
“You fucking idiot, I told you to slow down.” You snarked at me.
“Act sick.” I tell her.
“Fuck you, you know better. You deserve getting pulled over.” She laughed.
“Happy new year to you too. This year is off to a great start.” I laugh back.

A warning citation later and a tongue stuck out at her, I win. She gets mad that I got away with it. I was super sweet to the sweet officer. He was super cool. But I broke him.

“Douche bag.”
We get home.

So taking your car now, means I get to hear more of your stupid songs. But I decided to again put your Apple music playlist on.

I get into the studio, team is already gathering in. We catch up on work. RIch Olaya stops by to meet with me about the coffee shop architecture drawings. He wants me to meet his interior decorator.

You and I have been collecting what inspired us for the decor. You had a vision. I wanted you to take the lead and supervise whomever we ended up hiring. I still share your Pintrest boards with them. Lights, counters, tables, chairs, the works. You knew exactly what you wanted to do with the space. I couldn’t wait for you to make it happen. You were so gifted with decor. So creative. You had an amazing sense of style. Honestly, unmatched.

You and I loved our clothes shopping. I loved taking you every season to go shopping for new clothes. But you always found a deal. Nordstrom Rack. You somehow turned a $25 top into looking as if it was $250. You knew how to dress “Sharp”, that was your word. Anything that you respected in a style, you called it “Sharp.”

When I showered you with gifts, you returned them because you didn’t like to spend money on yourself. You’d rather spent that money on the kids and I. Other women would be all over what I bought you, but not you.

The day goes by so quick. Jaret Wilson designed and sent your prayer cards to get printed. He did an amazing job. I had to go pick them up late in the day before I headed back home.

Abbey Perry Madden and I were texting all day. I wanted them to come over. I didn’t want to break our routine. I love my routine. I love our routine. Time to make new ones.

I race back home, around 90mph. Had to take the turnpike back. Even going slow, I still have to deal with the left lane hogs. My god do I have an issue with them. They drive me insane. Which part of “Stay Right, Pass Left” they don’t understand? You know what it is? They’re simply rude. Yes, rude. We live in their world. They have no consideration to others. Or they’re just fucking dumb. They need to institute a 5-year retake the driving test. Take them on the road, and see how they really drive. They cause more accidents than you think. I looked up the stats.

I get home and I find Abbey Perry Madden and Bella ordering us Chinese.

FF

My talk with Gabe Marie, it was epic. He was showing me all the projects he was working on. He’s in the middle of filming a music video for a rapper. How fucking cool is that. He used his iPhone to film. I told him to take my gear any time he wants. My cameras, my drone, my whatever. It’s his to use. I was so thrilled when he shared with he was working on with me. He was so proud.
I gave him a few tips to up the level of the production. Asked him how he was planning on color correcting the footage, how he plans on editing it. He’s got it under control. I was so so proud of him.
What made me more proud was when I told that I would help him in any which way possible, he said “Dad, I want to do it on my own. I want to figure it out on my own.”
I bear hugged him. That showed me so much character and self-esteem. I told him “I respect that. It would be my honor if you ever need to use my gear, any day, any time.”
He cracked a smile when I said he can borrow my drone. “Okay, maybe I’ll take that one.” Smiling ear-to-ear. “That would help a lot.” He concludes.

I told him I needed to retire to bed, but I couldn’t stop myself from talking more with him. We bonded like never before. It was as if a 500lb. guerrilla was lifted of his back.

I told him to consider something. I don’t want to push him to do anything. I just want to present the options for him and let him evaluate and make a decision. I’ll support his decision regardless of what he chooses to do. I let him know not to be afraid of failure, instead to embrace it. Learn from your mistakes, just don’t repeat them.

We embody the collection of mistakes we’ve made in our lives and the conclusions we make as a result of these mistakes. Those who repeat them, are just dumb, it’s that simple. The ones who learn from their own mistakes and others, are the ones whom succeed. May take a while, but they’ll eventually succeed.

I got him baby. I’m not ever letting go.